What Do You Mean It Takes the Biscuit? It Takes the Cake!
by Squirrela
Summary: Willy wants to create something wacky and fun in honour of his mentor, Mr Roald Dahl's 100th birthday.


Written in honour of Mr Roald Dahl's 100th birthday.

With appreciation for the way MattTheWriter used the Gum Trampoline idea in his story "Where All the Bad Nuts Go" I hope he doesn't mind that I have recycled the idea for use here.

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What Do You Mean "It Takes the Biscuit?" It Takes the Cake!

Willy sighed, running his long, thin fingers through his riotous locks once again. This creation was not going to plan!

The most recent Oompa-Loompa taste-tester looked like he had been blown full of air, in a strange combination of the effects of the Three Course Meal Gum disaster, where the taster turned into a giant blueberry, and the Fizzy Lifting Juice fiasco, where one floated off into space, until one burped and found oneself gently descending again.

In this instance, the taster turned into a balloon, skin stretched out to an almost painful transparency, and floated away. It was only a dart, shot skilfully through a pea shooter by one of the other Oompa-Loompas in attendance, when given the nod by Willy, that had punctured the balloon and brought the taste-tester, Tulis, back down again.

Poor Tulis did not have a peaceful descent. He shot in all directions, doing several loop-the-loops as he went, the swiftly departing air propelling him along in a way none of the Oompa-Loompas had experienced before.

Willy's eyes had followed his zig-zag movements as quickly as possible in a dizzy dance, each new direction registering mere milliseconds after it happened. Knowing Tulis, Willy knew that there was at least one Oompa-Loompa with a strong stomach, just as well, or the consequences could have been more severe. This experience looked like it was wilder than a roller coaster ride!

When Tulis finally landed, in a heap at Willy's feet, Willy gave his appearance a thorough once over. Eyes tracking swiftly down from head, to torso; arms, to legs. Everything seemed to be present and correct, nothing appeared bent in ways it shouldn't be... He looked none the worse for wear. Willy heaved a sigh of relief before returning his attention to the Oompa-Loompas face. Tulis, who had been waiting patiently for Willy's full attention, shook his head. There was no way that was worth reproducing. "It tasted awful!" The Oompa-Loompa reported, before freezing in shock. Why did his voice sound so funny? "Melon Marbles" were definitely a non starter.

Willy sat, pondering the results. Melons were large fruits of course, that would explain the expanding thing. What was it about turning them into a hard sweet, as suggested by the term 'marbles,' that caused one to expand with air though? Melons were full of liquid. Water would have made more sense, or something heavy like glass... But it was some kind of gas Tulis had filled up with. As evidenced by the squeaky voice, and the riotous ride he had experienced when punctured. Huh!

It was possible that the way the heavy sugary concoction was stirred to give it the marbling effect may have caused the H2O to separate. Maybe the O2 then bound to another compound to give that gas... Feeling cautious about this result, what had happened to the Hydrogen part of the compound? Willy asked Tulis to keep him updated as to anything unusual he may experience over the next 48 hours, before wandering off to look at the next experiment. As he left, Willy barely noticed Tulis testing out how stretchy his skin was now. Great! The Oompa-Loompas could replace their skin with elastic by using this latest invention. That's if they wanted to. Who would want elastic instead of skin though?

The "Melon Marbles" were even worse than the first attempts at "Boing-Go-Bubbles" held earlier that morning. "Boing-Go-Bubbles" was the name for bubble gum which was supposed to give you a bounce to your step. The room they had tested that little invention in had a ceiling that rose over 300 feet above their heads... That didn't save the Oompa-Loompa volunteer from an amazingly wild ride, after barely one chew.

Galen had inauspiciously moved a step nearer Willy as he ate, and the movement had set off a reaction, meaning he instantly found himself propelled up to meet the ceiling. It all happened so quickly, that Willy had hardly had time to blink, never mind shout a warning, or reach out a steadying hand, before Galen was thrown up by the motion, bounced his head off the ceiling, and then hit off the ground, on his back if you please, before shooting back up to meet the ceiling again, with his stomach this time.

In the end, it took around fifty somersaults up and down for the bounce created by the one chew of the gum Galen had had, to work its way out of his system. Thankfully, the little fella wasn't hurt, just utterly disorientated by the rapidity of the experience. The "Boing-Go-Gum" was just far too strong...

Now Willy was wondering about finding something that was of lesser power... Maybe "Wine Gums." The Oompa-Loompas could beat them around with gum tennis racquets, across a trampoline made out of the "Boing-Go-Gum" (waste not want not, and they had rather a lot of that commodity available. And best of all, it only got stronger the more you bounced on it.). Other Oompa-Loompas would jump on the trampoline and try to catch one of the gums in their mouth.

Once the gums had all the extra bounce they required to make the Oompa-Loompas bounce around on the ground as if they were on the trampoline, the racquet wielding Oompa-Loompas could aim their gums into the bags, stationed at the corners of the room, ready to be sent on their way. With that batch of confectionary safely out of the way, the game could begin again... Willy had noticed that the more enjoyable he made candy production, the more motivated the Oompa-Loompas were to make them.

Sorting the trampoline needed to be a top priority. So much fun awaited them. Work that was also something they would choose to do as part of their leisure time was always highly popular amongst the workforce. Willy chuckled to himself as he imagined the Oompa-Loompas with the gum racquets getting bored, jumping off of their ledges onto the trampoline, and swapping with those bouncing around down below. Shift change would be so easy. Grab a racquet, bounce up, bounce down and throw your racquet to someone else. Gum was soft so even being struck in the face by one wouldn't hurt!

Willy shivered in anticipation. Yes, this sweet, should it prove workable in testing phase, would be fantastic, once they reached the stage of actually producing the confection. He always knew he had discovered one of his best ideas when he began getting excited about it, and it was doubly exciting knowing that they would have a fantabulous fun room should the candy itself fail. But not yet! Work before pleasure, and he had a job for today. That idea could only be developed once he had a good wacky idea that didn't result in a failure sorted out. He owed it to himself to achieve that today. Back to business therefore.

Much to his surprise, the Oompa-Loompa who had sampled the "Tummy Warming Tonic Balls" had belched out a mouthful of flames. That had resulted in Willy's eyebrows being singed, but thankfully, didn't seem to have done any external damage beyond that. It was now dubbed "Dragon's Breath." That one had almost done it. It would have been a great party piece, except for the fact that the little lass had then turned green and keeled over. She was now under the expert care of the doctors, who talked about her having gone into shock.

Apparently the candy had bounced around her stomach in such a way that as well as creating the fire, it had caused some bruises, which had then brought on the shock. Halama would be fine soon, but this was most definitely not marketable. Wonka sighed. It was true, humans didn't have the stomaches that dragons were rumoured to have had. Being able to belch up fire probably wasn't good for them!

After that, the failure of the sticky toffee had been a damp squib of a bang. Willy wrinkled his nose. He really ought to go see if that poor Oomp-Loompa, Tetrin, had managed to get her teeth unstuck yet. Willy glanced at his watch. Samaris would have fetched him if there was any news of import of course, but after six hours, it was about time Willy checked in with them.

As far as the last failed experiment went... Willy shuddered. He had simply closed the door on that one. He couldn't face dealing with the aftermath. They hadn't even got as far as testing it before knowing that one was a failure. They didn't need to, not when a substance, toxic green in colour, suddenly came spewing out of the boiler, and rapidly covered the floor. Thankfully, it wasn't so hot that it would burn you instantly, as Willy and the Oompa-Loompas on the scene were suddenly awash... Well, it was up to Willy's waist, and the Oompa-Loompas were only just managing to keep their heads 'above water' so to speak.

They had quickly abandoned ship, or rather, the room, and closed the emergency portal. Willy had hit the auto quit button on his way out, and they had all headed swiftly to somewhere they could wash the horrible substance, similar to jelly in consistency, off of their skin.

Willy was still tearing his hair in frustration, having confirmed that the Oompa-Loompa who had sampled the toffee was still stuck with her mouth tightly closed, when Charlie wandered in.

"Hey Willy, what's up?"

Willy looked up at the boy and ignored the question. "How was school Charlie?"

Charlie frowned. "School was school Willy. Nothing much good to report, but nothing much bad either. I can't wait until I'm able to learn about candy making full time!" The seventeen-year-old grumbled, before persisting with his question. "Now, that was my day. I want to know what's wrong with you!"

Willy looked up and stretched languidly, before frowning at the boy. "And how do you know anything is up young man?" Charlie looked at the older man and rolled his eyes. "Because your hair always does look like a birds nest when your experiments are going well!" He responded, sarcasm rich in his tone.

Willy glanced at Charlie, a hint of steel entering those vivid blue eyes. He forbore to comment however, knowing that while the boy's tone was hardly appreciated, his point was valid.

"You hit the nail on the head my boy," Willy admitted, ignoring the disgruntled sound Charlie made at the epithet. "No less than five failed inventions grace my days work. Not one success to cheer my heart. Today of all day's!" Willy lamented, the frustration sounding clearly through his tones.

Charlie immediately grasped onto that last sentence."What's so important about "today of all day's," Willy?"

Willy looked up, startled. "That's right! I forgot you wouldn't know! Today is the birthday of one of my boyhood mentors, Mr Dahl. And what's more, it would have been his 100th birthday, so an especially special day." Then the excited tones mellowed significantly. "He always encouraged me in my confectionary experiments, and especially loved the wacky ideas I would come up with.

"I always mark the date by inventing something wacky, just because he loved those ideas so. And today, I have failed abysmally in that attempt" Willy stared off into space, pouting at his failures as he remembered the man who had been so influential in his boyhood.

Charlie also stared off into space, pondering the information he had been given. Then, after the silence had trailed on long enough for him, he asked one rather hesitant question.

"Was Mr Dahl only fond of your successes Willy?"

The sound of Charlies voice startled Willy out of the dwam he had fallen into. Then the older man smiled.

"No... Mr Dahl loved all of my inventions, failures or otherwise. Some of his favourite stories were of the attempts that failed. He loved the irony of my wacky ideas going wrong. He used to say that wacky things turning out well were fun, but the ones that went wrong gave far more enjoyable stories - the effects were more amusing than anything I could dream up, and my solutions were so imaginative he loved to hear of them. I used to sit and listen to those stories year after year, simply because he loved them so.

"Mr Dahl would never fail to be in tears of laughter before he got half way through telling each story, which endeared the practice to me, even if I rather wished he had found greater joy in my successes than in my failures... Sometimes I almost felt I was letting him down by succeeding!"

Then Willys voice trailed off, and a silence enveloped the pair, until Willy deigned to speak again.

"I guess you are right Charlie. Even the five failures I have experienced are a good way to honour the birth of Mr Dahl. He would have loved some of the stories the Oompa-Loompas will no doubt tell of their adventures, especially those they put into song!" Willy exclaimed, remembering parties that finished with everyone sat round a bonfire, telling stories, dancing, and singing songs long into the night.

The memories brought a fond smile to his face. The Oompa-Loompas had brought so much that was positive to his life. They spent so much time being grateful to him that he didn't really think they realised the impact their presence had had on him personally, not just in the running of the factory, he didn't want to imagine life without them. With a sigh, Willy pursed his lip. He really ought to do something more to thank them, so they realised just how much he appreciated them.

Then Charlie looked up and smiled in his turn, about to throw another idea at his mentor. "Did you not also come up with alternative versions Willy? I know that you often do come up with something slightly less explosive when an experiment fails? Could we put one of those ideas into production now? I'm sure Mr Dahl would have loved that too."

Charlie laughed at the sudden smile on Willy's face. It was so dazzlingly bright it reminded Charlie of sun shining on ice. "What an excellent idea Charlie!" Willy swiftly told the other man about the gum, and the use he had found for it. "Waste not, want not." Willy reminded his heir.

"True for you Willy!" Charlie responded. "Even if we don't end up doing anything more with it than use it as a trampoline fun room. Your candy idea is enjoyable, I admit, but I'm sure the Oompa-Loompas would love it even as no more something fun for their leisure hours. You know how you are always searching for something else for the youngest ones to spend some of that boundless energy on!"

At that Willy chuckled. His afternoon may have taken the biscuit, but the conclusions Charlie came up with, having heard the whole sorry tale, took the cake! There were times Willy was so glad to have such an optimistic heir. Willy's own cynicism was brightened by the young man's positivity, and Willy knew that everyone benefitted from that.

A few hours hard work for the two men saw the intended fun room ready by evening, and they, alongside a group of young Oompa-Loompas spent what was left of the day, and long into the night, bouncing around on it. As he soared high into the air, Charlie found himself thinking "Happy Birthday Mr Dahl! Thank you for all you gave us when you encouraged Willy to create fun and wacky things. The world would be a far poorer place without him just as he is right now!"


End file.
